


Brian's PHD

by lobo_chan



Category: Game Grumps, Ninja Sex Party - Fandom
Genre: Academia, Dragons, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-08
Updated: 2016-07-08
Packaged: 2018-07-22 06:07:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 816
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7422895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lobo_chan/pseuds/lobo_chan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Brian Wecht's PHD is brought up not infrequently. Have you ever wondered what a doctoral thesis defense is like? Now you'll find out how a ninja earns a doctorate.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Brian's PHD

**Author's Note:**

> So, I wrote this during my breaks at work a couple of months ago as I was thinking of bad jokes and all the things PHD could stand for. Enjoy.

“Brian, are you ready?”

He nodded. He had worked long and hard on his thesis, he was as prepared for this defense as he’d ever be.

The head of the physics department turned to speak to someone too far back from the edge of the pit for Brian to see, “Open the wormhole.”

Wormhole? Jesus, why had no one told him the department had its own wormhole?

A door in the side of the pit opened slowly. A great serpentine head pushed out from under the gap, the beast’s body following as the door opened more, bending and straightening like a cat crawling out from under a chair.

Oh, wyrm hole. Right.

The wyrm was about the size of a school bus, its mouth the size of one of the seats so it could safely convey two children to their deaths in one bite. Its scales were burnt sienna for all you artsy people out there. Really it all came down to huge, terrifying, hungry. But at least it didn’t have wings, though that was probably more for the faculty and less for the doctoral candidates. It would be hard for the creature to climb up the sheer stone walls that made up the defense pit.

“Let the defense begin!”

Brian clutched his thesis tight as he stared down the beast. He’d only had to face a manticore for his master’s degree. This would require a different strategy.

The wyrm charged.

Brian did not run away, but rather made a strategic retreat. Yeah.

“Oh, this is my favorite part,” said one of the members of the ethics board.

The wyrm hissed and lashed out at Brian with a paw, tearing through the back of his shirt and into the skin below. Fuck, that hurt! And now his shirt was ruined too. Why was it required to wear nice clothes to things like these? He stumbled away, dropping some pages of his thesis as he went.

The wyrm paused.

Brian looked back to see the wyrm bent over the fallen papers, peering at a page of equations.

“Like equations, huh?”

It swung its tail around without looking up. It was a few inches short of hitting him.

Brian flipped through his thesis and pulled out the most chart and equation heavy pages and threw them at the wyrm. Paper, being very awkward to throw, scattered everywhere. Brian turned to look up at the faculty, “So is that it?”

The head of the department smiled.

Brian shrugged. He must have to incapacitate it then. The manticore he’d just had to survive while answering questions from the faculty. Running and answering questions? That was hard. Knocking out a distracted wyrm should be easy by comparison.

He moved around the creature slowly and clambered up its back. He wrapped his thighs around its neck and creeped forward. Just like climbing a tree! A breathing, scaly, possibly fire breathing tree. He stopped once he got close to the head and struck it between the eyes as hard as he could with his thesis. It was a rather large thesis.

The wyrm shrieked and jerked its head back, almost dislodging Brian. He dropped his thesis and grabbed the monster by the horns to help hold on and not be impaled. He was vertical now, clinging to a screaming and spitting monster. The spit burned where it touched his skin. Great, acid spit, just what he needed. Thinking quickly, Brian struggled out of his already ruined shirt (always keeping one hand on a horn at all times because safety is important), and swung the shirt around until he had a makeshift gag or bit in the wyrm’s mouth. The cloth blocked the acid for now.

The wyrm continued shaking its head about until the shirt finally gave way and Brian was thrown across the pit. It gagged and spit up the dissolved wad of shirt right into the scattered pages of Brian’s thesis. It sat back down, tail wrapped around its paws and head bent.

Brian groaned and got to his feet. He’d be sore for at least a week after all this. If he survived. What was the beast doing now?

It didn’t look at him, just the ruined thesis.

Was it… moping?

“Uh… I can explain it to you if you want?”

The wyrm perked up at that.

And so Brian ended up explaining theoretical physics to an acid spitting lizard monster, using a rock to write equations on the stone walls of the pit. By successfully explaining his thesis to a wyrm, Brian proved himself worthy of the status of a doctor of physics and was rewarded with the secrets of PHD (psychic head destruction). The first thing Brian did upon learning to use his latent psychic abilities to explode people’s heads was the blow up the head of that ethics board member because that guy was a real dick.


End file.
